Revelation Day

Golden Conversations! I've come back to this chat over and over to return myself to the root of all emotion.

Me: i have had a revelation today

S :.

S :which is?

Me: that i have unwillingly moved on, and that i am ruthless and cruel once i've moved on.

S :that is a good revelation, there isnt any mellow sort of moving on

S :in time the ruthlessness would subside i think

Me: i am naturally ruthless, not on purpose

Me: and i was horrified at it

S :its sense of preservation

Me: and i am feeling guilty about moving on

S :your just keeping urself whole its a nice thing :P

S :dont

Me: how can it be..

Me: itna sa time kaise lag sakta hai (worry)

S :its like this

S :you shock ur senses into moving on

S :which leave little room for milder emotions like sympathy

S :its like getting on to safe ground

S :the truth is you dont really move on

S :you get stable and cut paraphenlia that brings you down

S :but everythign stays

Me: i hope so !

Me: because if i can move on , like really move on from this, then there will be nothing constant in my life, which is a scary thought

S :hmmm true but there is another thing

S :things end all the time

S :or change atleast

S :end is sorta final and wrong to say

S :but the point if something does not last forever does not mean its not real

Me: hmmm

Me: true

S :our parents have stayed toegther all their adult lives mostly their type of love has not remained constant

S :its changed obviuosly

S :or mayeb they have fallen over and over after periods of falling out

Me: is that even possible?

S :yes i think so

S :our moods are constantly changing even when we are "in love" we are not in loove all the time

S :its more like knowing that yeah its there when we need to go back to it

Me: hmmm

S :sometiems we we need me time, sometiems we need space, sometimes we need to be with someone constantaly

S :we confuse the promise of real love with eternal love

Me: hmmm

Me: true

Me: can it be eternal but not real?

S :i think most of it is, because we dillude and obesess over the idea too long

S :delude*

S :jo bhee

S :xD

S :i think there is a fine line

Me: it is what?

S :for someone obssessed long enough that would be reality

S :so depends upon how you define it

S :love could be an obessiosn

S :it could be an inspiration

S :i think something good needs to come out of it

Me: it could be both in different moments, obsession and inspiration i.e

S :like learning something more deeply for it to be called love

S :yeh

S :depends which is predominant

Me:

“like learning something more deeply for it to be called love”---explain?

S :hmm!

S :we know right from wrong

S :we know most of them anways and take granted most of them

S :i'll just tell what i've learnt

S :i used to be more anti social and despised most people

S :i learnt ( obviuosly not an active thought all the time :P) to like them better, to care and be open about it

S :i learnt to let go of bohat saree self appointented restictions

S :i learnt why when and only i could beleive in a god

S :sort of things i knew were "nice to haves" but wernt in me

S :i've gotten somethign good out of love

Me: haan woh to sahi hai

Me: you learn, you horizons widen

S :yeh later walee baat hey

Me: you explore yourself

Me: chalein oka

S :ur scared keh tum numb aur regid hpo jao gee?

Me: yeaa

S :meree spelings farigh hein

Me: hehehe

Me: rigid :P

S :ho saktee ho

S :yeh i thought somethign is wrong

S :woh tum ko actively counter karna ho ga :P

S :dont panic though

S :there will be lasting things as long as you understand nothing stays execatly the same

] Me: haan

Me: i know that

Me: i've adjusted to change alot

Me: lekin this was supposed to last, and now i discover that i had let it go from my end, unconsciously

Me: and i was horrified at it

S :ok

S :yeh thats reasonable horoor

S :Horror GOOD GOD

S :wth

Vapour or Smoke...

Vapour or Smoke...

How we yearn to thrust ourselves,
into a world (where) we are
no more than wisps of Vapour,
or Smoke.
Imagine if I were lying,
in the busiest square of the city,
and were to fade slowly into nothingness,
or to disappear
into another dimension,
it would coax nothing more
than an unbelieving shake of the head
by a pair of men passing by,
or a gasp of surprise from a woman on the road
(Women believe, more often, what their eyes show them)
And that shall be the most of value
I shall earn:
A couple of shakes and a gasp.
What, then, I ask,
is the meaning of the life
of a wisp of Vapour,
or Smoke?!

The Perfect Love Affair

The Perfect Love Affair:  It takes you seven places up to Heaven, and seven places down to Hell.

I bared my heart and soul to you, peeled every inch of my old beliefs and notions away, and stood before you with my soul stark naked, with the fresh pink of my new essence, my heart on my palm.

You revered me in return. You acknowledged the herculean effort I put in my evolution, and you were grateful for it. I was becoming an extension of myself, the kind of extension that fit seamlessly in the pattern of You; much like the perfection of a missing puzzle piece finally fitting, or locking eyes with a stranger as the rain drenched the earth with bliss.

It was the perfect love affair. There was no fraudulent attraction that befouls young minds, no magic of youthful juvenility, no lie of the untamed heart. There was Damage, and there was Love that repaired that Damage. There were hollow beams on which stood our edifices; we were, in turn, pillars to these piles which stood proud of the mutilation that life brought along. We were band aids, that covered the other’s bullet wound, magic Elixir that healed scars that were centuries old.

Besides another , You are the only being I had ever prayed for. I am not a steady believer in God, my Faith dwindles almost as often as my Fate. I am always Thankful, but rarely had I shown unswerving Belief and prayed unfailingly. That was before you became an infatuation of my  survival instinct; well before my subsistence became dependent on you. Now I prayed, with all my will and faith and sincerity, I prayed for you to be mine. I lifted my hands and prayed to be only yours.  There were hurdles, huge barriers that you needed to cross to attain the way of life you had dreamt of. I dreamt of it with you, shared that dream and made it my own. I prayed with all my yearn, all my ache, as if it were a matter of my life and death and not yours. I never recognized when they fused to be one and the same.

I saw my prayers work magic, my appeals before the One drew you closer to your desire every step of the way. It was euphoric, to see my humble words and insignificant passion work wonders in the life of whom i cherish most. Yet you never believed in Him; you claimed you had seen enough malice in the world to believe in Kindness anymore.

It was then I had an inkling you never saw me the way I saw you. You were the answer to my prayers; I was never the subject of yours.

In spite of all differences, the contrasts and contradictions, you are the Love of my Life, the object of my Desire, the center of my Universe.  I ran to you when Life came hard on me, and found indescribable pleasure in being the shoulder you leant on. We are galaxies in our own accord; effortlessly amalgamating into meteors to help cork the black holes that appear occasionally in our core.

With rose colored glasses on our eyes, ignoring every little nudge that Reality gave us now and then, we were floating through time, space and dreams. Every day was a pathway to a new avenue, to a new plethora of desires and hopes and ambitions.

I believe it was then that we stoked the wrath of Life. We infuriated Her, giving no heed to Her warnings, paying no attention to Her advice. There were miniature tempests, a little transposal of our equations that was conspired by Real Life. She engulfed us in Her acquisitive details and there was a little parting of ways that we endured. The point of the matter being, we endured for a little while, and other times we were drained by the effort it took to fight back and emerge strengthened. Life had greater,  unkind moves up Her sleeve.

So today, as I sit here writing the story of our lives, I admit a little defeat. I confess that Life has, at long last, succeeded at Her conspiracy; She has convinced me to believe that our bond is not as covalent as it seemed. It is not as enduring, as prevailing as I thought it to be.Whenever I pass by any reminder of our glorious past , I am forced to see the bruises that this world has inflicted on the fresh, weak rind of my being now, when you are not there to protect me. There are no blames to be placed; you are too busy brandishing your own sword in your war than to become my Shield. I am afraid to look in the mirror, to meet my eyes and answer; Where I lost my essence, where in the world did  I diminish my Ego, and laid my foundation to rock and quake?

As much as I am proud of it, I now feel equally destitute about the reality that if someone were to peel off the layers, see through my being with X-Ray vision, all they would find is You, carved into the gravestone of a soul I now house.

*fictitous story, all pictures taken from  http://fadedjeanss.tumblr.com/

Brave Little Souls....

are the ones who wear their hearts on their sleeves.

I've been carrying mine around in my palm for quite some time now.
It is much tough to be a lover than I ever imagined.
I had the foolish notion that it's all hormones, all the illusionary works of man's instinct for survival, no reality to the connection of souls, that our parents know the best...

Till when God picked me up and thrust me straight in the core of this cosmic, magical world.
Where your heart grows outside your body, and you protect it from all, and bare it to One , and One only.

And I feel this heart of mine, resting in the palm of my hand,  pulsating Belief in every vein, Hope with every touch, and indescribable Gratitude for finally being worth Someone as Beautiful as You.

X: I feel Lucky right now...
Me: To be sitting at an international airport ? :P
X: Lucky to have you with me right now.

The Essence of my existence is finally defined.
Go on World, go on Social Obligation and Expectant Obedience, you can scar my soul as much as you can, you can not take my Essence from me....

I know what makes me want to Live, Finally.

. . . . . .

Ek Shaks.

Jis Ke Liye Khuda Se Dua Maang Ke

Mujhe Lagta Hai Mene Zindagi Jee Li.

I am Proud of you, and yes it's OKAY if you bought Jeans for yourself.

You've done a good in your life, and no you won't be damned to Hell if you wear jeans just in the house.





Words I yearn to hear from my mother's mouth.

Yeh Kia Hua?

Right now, my eyes are stinging. There wasn't a wink of sleep last night.
They are stinging so hard that i can't keep them open without tears streaking my face.

I am trying to convince myself that these are the tears of heartbreak, and not from sleep deprivation.
Just so I may have the consolation of having cried once.

I am SUCH a fool.

There were times when he used to make me cry, and I'd come back red-eyed with a tear-streaked face, and i could see tangible guilt on his face. I liked that he knew it was him, the reason of my pain, even if I were crying for nothing. It felt being worthy enough; that I managed to induce guilt in someone. Selfish, I know, but Satisfying.

Now I can't tell him that its him, that it's me who's hating him for making me love him; I'm so badly broken inside that my eyes are incapable of rendering any tears.

I hate that I love him.

--Ankhein Surmai, Surmai jaise Shaam,
Aanchal Dhaani sa, hua Badnaam;
Tinka Tinka, Raiza Raiza 
Hotey Kyun hein Aashiyan?
-------------------------------------Aashiyan?